


Alone (Before I Met You)

by RemyJane



Series: The Best by Far is You [4]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Adoption, Break Up, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemyJane/pseuds/RemyJane
Summary: He wanted family, he wanted someplace warm where he belonged. He couldn’t name it, not in English and not even in Swedish, but he knew he was missing something.———Before Hanna, before Alex. Nicky in the lonely months.





	Alone (Before I Met You)

**Author's Note:**

> There is a character who puts her baby up for adoption. It is not specifically discussed why she makes this choice.
> 
> This is an angst fic, though it ends happily enough. Snapshots of Nicky’s “lonely months” between when his last relationship ended and Hanna was born. Not in chronological order.

“Thank you.” Nicky said, drumming his fingers on his coffee cup nervously. “You didn’t have to see me.”

“No problem. I didn’t ask for this to happen, but...I’m glad to know it’s going to a good place.” She shoved her hands in the front of her hoody, mostly obscuring her shape. 

“Thank you.” He repeated. “I’m Nicklas.” He added. She already knew that, probably, but he didn’t know what else to say and it felt odd not to introduce himself. He wasn’t sure how much about him she knew, wasn’t sure if anyone at the agency had thought to mention his career. 

“Bev. Well, Beverly, but, you know.” She wrinkled her nose. “So, you’re not from the U.S, I guess.” She said. 

“Sweden.” He agreed. 

“Oh, ok. Your accent is nice.” 

“Thanks.” Nicky nodded. “Do you want anything to eat?” 

“Uh, sure.” She agreed, grabbing a menu. 

They ordered sandwiches and Nicky had no idea what to say. He’d wanted to meet with her, but now he didn’t know why. Maybe because she was one of the only people who knew he was doing this, maybe...what did he need to know? Maybe it would make him feel less alone in all this, if he met the other half of the equation. 

“So, you’re gay?” Bev asked, when Nicky was mid-sip of his drink. He almost choked on it and she finally broke into a smile. “Shit, sorry. Didn’t mean to kill you or anything.” 

“I, uh, yeah.” He answered, cheeks flushing red. “Is that...are you ok with that?” 

She favored him with a kind smile. “Nah, it’s cool. Just figured...if you were straight, there are easier ways to have kids.” 

“Yeah, well…” He shrugged. 

Bev shifted on her seat. “So, I don’t want to know anything about it, but at my last appointment, they wrote down the sex. Do you want to know?”

Nicky blinked, surprised. “I- yes. Yes, thank you.” 

Bev pulled an envelope from her bag. “Don’t tell me.” She told him, passing it across the table.

“You don’t want to know?” Nicky asked, fingering the edge of the envelope, stunned. They’d have this conversation again, though it would be through someone at the adoption agency and not face to face. But he wanted to know. 

“No.” She said firmly. “I don’t want to have anything to do with it.” 

Nicky nodded; he didn’t know what had happened, but he knew better than to ask. “Ok. When...in the hospital, do you want to see? After, I mean.” 

Bev shook her head. “I don’t. I can’t.” 

“Ok. I’m sorry.” Nicky apologized. 

She shrugged her shoulders, tracing patterns in the condensation on her glass with her fingertip. “Sorry. I just...this hasn’t been easy for me, you know?” 

“I can’t imagine.” Nicky said softly. “Thank you, though.” 

Bev smiled at him, shaking her head and wiping her eyes. “I’m not doing this for you. I just...I want there to be something good from all this.”

“Ok.” Nicky said, looking down at the table. 

“I’m not going to see you again.” She said. “After this is all done, I’m moving.” 

Nicky nodded. 

She looked at him. “So, you’re single?” She asked. 

“Uh, yeah.”

“Aren’t you kind of young to be saddled with a kid?” She asked. “Not to pry, I mean, but come on.” 

Nicky chuckled. “I don’t feel that young.” He assured her. “I want...I always wanted kids.” He wanted family, he wanted someplace warm where he belonged. He couldn’t name it, not in English and not even in Swedish, but he knew he was missing something. 

“Huh. Most guys don’t.” Bev said. “The ones I know anyway. But, I don’t want kids ever, so maybe they know to stay away.” She laughed to herself, running a hand through her dark hair. 

Nicky smiled wanly and she stilled, studying him. He felt suddenly exposed, shifting uncomfortably. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” He promised. 

“You look...sad.” She settled on, folding her arms over her stomach. Nicky tried not to look, and then tried not to look like he wasn’t looking. 

Nicky shrugged. “No, I’m...I’m ok.” 

“I’m not going to change my mind, you know.” She said, almost a non sequitur. “I’ve heard of people doing that...I really don’t want a kid. Nothing’s going to change that.” She assured him. 

“Oh. Ok. Ok.” Nicky nodded. “That’s...good.” He settled on, feeling awkward and unsure. 

After Bev left, Nicky went out to his car. He flipped the envelope between his fingers and finally opened it, pulling out an ultrasound picture and flipping it over. He smiled to himself and grabbed his phone, calling Mike. 

“It’s a girl.” He said, unable to stop smiling. “I’m going to have a daughter.” 

***

“This...this is not convincing me you aren’t becoming a lonely hermit.” Mike said, stepping into the garage. 

Nicky looked up from his work table. “It’s a chair.” He said, confused. 

“How long has this taken you?” Mike asked, touching the wood with his finger tips. Nicky still needed to finish a few pieces before he could start staining it, but the bulk of it was done, enough so that it looked like what it would become.

“I just work on it occasionally.” Nicky said, hedging around the question.

“Nick.” Mike said, unimpressed. 

“Two months.” He admitted. “I made some little tables too.” He admitted. Toiling away in his garage was a good distraction. Splinters didn’t hurt as much as the loneliness, most days.

Mike leaned against the table. “You should talk to someone.”

“I talk to you.” Nicky pointed out, avoiding eye-contact. “I’m doing fine.” He was fine, he reasoned, because he was still playing well. Nothing had impacted his hockey; he went to work, he did his job, he came home. 

Mike sighed heavily. “You’re hiding in your garage building a chair.” Nicky couldn’t argue that he was hiding. 

“For my daughter.” He said, smiling slightly. A little person he hadn’t met yet, but he was so excited to. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, the reason for the chair in the first place. 

Mike chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, ok. It’s cool. I just worry, you know.” 

“I know. Thanks.” Nicky said, cheeks turning pink. 

“You’re going to be a good dad.” Mike squeezed his shoulder. “Courtney is going crazy buying shit for your girl.” He said changing the subject. 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah. Axel doesn’t really like bows and that, you know.” He smiled. “So, don’t be surprised if we send you a big box of clothes.”

“Thanks.”

Mike watched him work a bit longer. “You look like shit. Have you been sleeping?” Mike asked, tracing patterns in the sawdust with the toe of his shoes.

Nicky gave him a sidelong look. “Fuck you.” He grumbled. “I’m fine.” 

“Really, you think I don’t know you?” Mike asked. He looked Nick over, taking in the bags under his eyes and his general pallor. “Come on…”

Nicky’s shoulders slumped and he leaned his head against the chair. “It’s been...a lot.” He admitted. 

“C’mon.” Mike draped an arm over his shoulders. “I brought some beer. And pasta.” 

Nicky looked up. “You what?”

“I know you like cheese.” Mike teased.

They ate in silence, more or less, and drank their beer. After they finished, they moved to the living room. Mike hugged Nicky close, flipping on the TV. “So, have you talked to Ovi?” He asked, attempting to sound casual. 

“No.” Nicky shook his head. “She’s not due until May, so…” 

“You should.” Mike said. “He’s gonna make a big deal out of it. You know how he is with kids.” 

“I know. I just...I don’t want to talk about David.” He said softly. 

Mike made a sympathetic noise. “I know, but you...it would be good for you.” 

“Maybe.” Nicky shrugged. He leaned against Mike, savoring his warmth. He couldn’t remember the last time someone touched him without hockey gear on. Mike leaned his cheek against Nicky’s head. 

“You still like him?” Mike asked as the TV went to commercial. Nicky didn’t know how he felt about watching the All-Star game, but Mike had chosen it anyway. Alex was there, somewhere. 

“He’s probably...I don’t know.” Nicky gave a thready laugh. “It doesn’t matter, I can’t do anything about it.” 

Mike nodded. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine. I don’t think I could ever come out anyway.”

“You could.” Mike argued. “Especially in a few years.” 

“I don’t know. My family doesn’t even know.” Nicky closed his eyes. He felt out of his depth, overwhelmed. He wanted...he didn’t even know. His throat felt tight and he worried he might cry. 

(Not that it would be the first time he’d cried to Mike about all this, but he hated to feel that exposed.)

“When was the last time you hung out with the boys?” Mike asked. Nicky shrugged, keeping his mouth shut. “Wilso texted me, you know. He’s worried about you.” 

“Wilso did?” Nicky asked, voice thick. 

“Yeah. Him and Burky noticed something was wrong. So, you know Ovi must’ve too.” Mike tilted his head. “God, Nicky you look so miserable.” 

Nicky covered his mouth, closing his eyes as they welled up. He- well, he was miserable. He was so lonely it hurt and he didn’t know what to do. He felt guilty for having so much and not being happy with it. He was so isolated and lost, loneliness that he’d kept at bay for years swallowing him up like an avalanche. 

He couldn’t stop the sobs that bubbled up. He let Mike hug him even closer, Nicky’s face pressed into the crook of his neck. Mike was talking, quiet and soothing, but Nicky couldn’t pick up the words. His shoulders jerked with each sob and he felt awful for bothering Mike with this. 

“Hey, look at me.” Mike said, pushing him back enough to make eye-contact. “You’re gonna be ok.” 

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t. This is what we do, ok? You’re my best friend. I’m right here for you, ok?”

“I know you have better-“

“Ah, stop.” Mike shushed him. “You’re gonna be ok.” 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky bowed his head and Mike sighed and hugged him close again. “I’m so...I want...I don’t know.” He sagged, feeling drained.

“You’ll figure it out.” Mike assured him. “Talk to Ovi.” 

“I can’t.” 

“Burky, then.” He suggested. 

“He’s so...“

“What, young?”

“Happy.” Nicky settled on. 

“He wasn’t always.” Mike pointed out. 

“I know. I don’t want to bother him.” 

Mike sighed. “He’s your friend. Friends don’t get bothered by stuff like this.” 

Nicky closed his eyes. “I want what you and Kris have. Just...I want a family.”

“I know, buddy.” Mike said, blowing out a breath. “Just a few more months. You’ll be great.”

***

Nicky was shaking so badly he pulled over only a couple blocks from the house. He covered his face with his hands, trying to breathe. He was vaguely thankful it was dark, and few people were out in the November chill. His phone rang and he ignored it. He didn’t want to talk to David; there was nothing left to say. 

The problem with not telling anyone, he realized, was that he couldn’t talk to anyone when it ended. 

He’d had- he hadn’t had plans, not really. But he’d had an idea of plans, of what life could be like. There had always been an undercurrent of unhappiness, a hint of tension, but Nicky assumed any relationship would be like that, if they were forced to hide it. 

He wanted so much more. He wanted a family, a real home. He wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere. 

His family didn’t know he was gay, his team didn’t either. He felt like he couldn’t tell them and if he couldn’t tell them, he couldn’t really be himself. He had to be careful, had to hide parts of himself. 

He took a shuddering breath, trying to pull himself together. His phone rang again and he considered throwing it out the window. He ignored it. 

Finally, he calmed down enough to drive himself home. He sat in his kitchen, the space bright white and empty, unsure of what to do. 

He should sleep. He was exhausted, and things usually looked better in the light of day. He couldn’t bring himself to move, though. His house felt wrong; he didn’t feel like he even belonged there. 

He and David had talked about a future, about living together and starting a family. Now, Nicky wondered if he would ever have that. He wanted it so badly he felt tied up inside, full of knots and tangles, unable to move. He’d lost that too, he’d lost an entire future, along with one of the only people who really knew him. 

One of the only people who really knew him, but didn’t love him enough to not cheat on him. Didn’t love him enough not to fuck one of his co-workers. 

There was vodka in the liquor cabinet; Alex had left it there a long time ago. It burned and it stung, but it felt better than knowing how unloveable he was. 

In the morning, he had 10 missed calls from David and a handful of texts from his teammates. He had a hangover and his hip hurt from sleeping on his couch. There was no practice, no reason to get up and do anything.

He laid on the couch an hour longer, until he finally went to shower. David had hair stuff in his bathroom, a toothbrush on the counter. Nicky threw it all away, walking through his house with a trash bag to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. It felt almost cleansing, dropping the bag into his trash bin outside. 

Stepping back inside, his house seemed even more empty. Vacant picture frames rested on the nightstand of his bedroom, photos from trips they’d gone on down from the shelves. 

He sat on the floor, leaning against the couch and finally called someone. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Mike asked, sounding bright and happy. 

“Hey.” Nicky managed. His throat hurt, from vodka or crying he wasn’t sure. 

“You ok, bud?” 

“David and me are done.” He swallowed. “He- I walked in and he- he was cheating on me.” 

“Shit. Fuck, really?” Mike sounded angry, upset, the kind of thing Nicky suspected he should be feeling, if he could feel anymore. “That fucking asshole. I’m sorry, Nicky. That sucks. That really sucks.” 

“Thanks.” Nicky said as he closed his eyes. 

“You ok? How’re you doing?” 

“I...I’m ok.” Nicky lied, keeping his voice quiet.

“Nicky…” Mike said, sounding gently disappointed. 

“I don’t know.” Nicky wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. “I-I know it- we fought a lot, but…”

“That doesn’t make it suck less.” Mike commiserated. 

“I want...I want- I don’t know.” Nicky felt a tear leak down his cheek, but maybe if he ignored it, he could stop crying. “I want a family.” He whispered. 

Mike sucked in a sharp breath, going quiet for a moment. “I know. David wasn’t the person you want to do that with though, so at least that’s good.” 

Nicky didn’t have the energy to hang up the phone. Mike was right, but that didn’t matter. Nicky wasn’t lucky like Mike, he wasn’t going to meet the love of his life at a bar in Alexandria and have some happily ever after. Nicky couldn’t even be with the person he’d really wanted, the person that made his stomach flutter and always made him smile. 

“Maybe...look, I know you’re going through a lot right now.” Mike continued gently. “But you weren’t happy with David. I could tell even from Detroit, man.” 

“Yeah.” But it was better than nothing. 

“You deserve better, that’s all.” Mike said. “You should talk to someone on your team. Ovi?”

“Can’t.” Nicky rasped, trying to clear his throat. 

“Burky?”

“No.” Nicky shook his head. Andre was probably the closest he had to what he wanted, somewhere between a younger brother and a friend. He made Nicky feel needed, loved, and he didn’t want to burden him. Andre was someone Nicky would always protect. 

“There’s gotta be somebody.” Mike said. 

“Just you.” Nicky swallowed hard. He had a team full of friends and none of them really knew him. He felt like a fraud, he felt guilty. 

“Ok. Don’t do anything stupid, ok?” Axel was crying in the background. 

“Nothing stupid.” Nicky repeated. “Thanks. I’ll- I can go.”

“Nick, it’s fine-“

“You sound busy. Thanks.”

“I’m calling you later and if you don’t answer, I’ll send Ovi over there.” Mike threatened. 

“I’ll answer. Thank you.” Nicky repeated. 

***

It took a week before anyone said anything. Nicky knew they could tell something was wrong, he’d caught Tom and Andre staring at him. Everyone else was a bit more subtle. On the flight back from St. Louis, Alex sat down beside him. 

He didn’t say anything, at first. In fact, he ignored Nicky in favor of chirping at Evgeny in Russian. It was mostly mindless chatter, at least what Nicky could decipher; his Russian was pretty rusty. 

Once the plane took off, Evgeny fell quiet and Alex bumped his knee against Nicky’s and smiled. Nicky smiled too. 

“You ok?” Alex asked in undertones. Alex whispering was always something Nicky forgot he could do. 

“I’m fine.” Mike’s words echoed at the back of his mind. “I was seeing someone, and we broke up.” He admitted. It sounded so much nicer than telling someone he’d walked in on David fucking someone in the bed they’d shared; he probably hadn’t even changed the sheets. 

“Oh. Sorry.” Alex looked surprised but quickly recovered. “You need anything, ask ok?”

“Ok.”

“Team is family, yeah?”

Too much like Nicky’s own family; he couldn’t tell any of them. “Yeah.” He agreed, forcing a smile. 

***

Nicky had an ultrasound picture tucked into a book in his bedroom, hidden from even the most prying of prying eyes. He pulled it out every night, running his fingers over it. 

The agency said the baby was approximately 12 weeks in the image. Too early to know if it was a boy or a girl. Too early to know much of anything, really. They looked more like a gummy bear than a person, but Nicky still looked at it every night. 

***

Nicky got the call after morning skate. “Beverly has been admitted to the hospital. She’s in labor. Everything has been progressing normally. They’re expecting you.” The adoption worker assigned to his case explained. 

“Great. Thank you.” Nicky took a deep breath, fighting back a smile. 

“Backy, lunch?” Alex asked, throwing a balled up t-shirt at his head. 

Nicky ducked away. He wasn’t sure what Alex had really said. “See you tonight.” He said, throwing his bag over his shoulder and leaving. 

He went home and got the car seat and diaper bag he’d had sitting in his garage for two weeks. 

At the hospital, he was led to a waiting room, where he sat trying to read old magazines while his insides twisted nervously. Belatedly, he realized he needed to text management; they knew he was adopting, but this was two weeks earlier than planned. 

He’d been sitting for a few hours before a nurse came for him. “Mr. Backstrom?” She asked. 

“Yes?” He stood, eyes wide. Had something happened? Was the baby ok? Had Bev-

“She’s asking for you. Bev is.” 

“Oh. Of course, yeah.” 

The room was surprisingly calm. Bev smiled when she saw him. “Hey, Nick.”

“Hey. You ok?” He asked. 

She nodded. “I was wrong about seeing you, I guess.” She nodded towards the empty chair beside the bed. “Can you stay?”

“Of course.” He agreed easily. He sat down beside her. “Are you ok?” He asked again. 

“It hurts like you wouldn’t believe.” She promised. “But the epidural is great. I want one for home.” 

He laughed, surprised. “Yeah.” He didn’t know what to say. Saying thank you didn’t seem appropriate, given her reluctance to talk about the baby. She would never understand how grateful he was, he would never be able to articulate it. 

“I don’t wanna be alone with a bunch of strangers.” 

“You don’t really know me.” He pointed out, even as he scooted closer. 

“True. But you’re probably not a serial killer. I just...I’m scared.” She admitted. Her eyes were wide, fixed on his, dark and searching for something. 

“I won’t go.” He promised. 

“Ok.” She nodded. “Thanks.”

Nicky stayed, holding her hand when she started to push. He didn’t know what else to do, he had no idea what he was doing, but he felt useful and needed and that was enough. 

Bev started to get exhausted and the doctor told her if she didn’t deliver soon, they’d have to do something more invasive. 

Nicky handed her a small towel to wipe her face and dry her eyes. She looked vulnerable, small and trapped in the hospital bed. He’d only met her twice, but he could tell she was the kind of person who had a spark to them, an aura of independence and spunk. 

“I don’t know if I can do this.” She whispered, closing her eyes. “Maybe they’re right.” 

Nicky took her hand back. “Fuck them.” Nicky whispered in her ear. She grinned at him. “You can do it.” 

“Fuck ‘em.” She repeated, laughing and wiping her eyes again. “Yeah, ok.” 

Two more pushes, and the baby was delivered. She screamed loudly, and it was the best thing he’d ever heard. Still, he didn’t move from his seat immediately. 

“You wanna cut the cord, Dad?” One of the nurses asked. 

He glanced at Bev and she nodded. “Go.” She closed her eyes for a long moment, bone-tired. “You have a kid now.” 

“Thank you.” He said, even if the words would never be enough. 

He cut the cord and a screaming, bloody baby was handed to him, wrapped in a blanket. He stared down at her face, her eyes squinting shut. Her head was a little lopsided and her face bright red. She had a full head of messy hair and he loved her immediately. “Hi there.” He whispered, bouncing her gently. “Hi there.” 

They were moved to a different room, away from Bev so she could rest and heal, so she could move on. The baby- his baby- was cleaned and weighed, measured and dressed. He was given a bottle and formula. A nurse showed him how to change diapers.

“What’s her name going to be?” The adoption agent asked when she appeared. Nicky had a list saved on his phone, but none of them seemed right. 

“Hanna.” He decided spontaneously. “Hanna Catrin.” 

Finally, the organized chaos died down and he was left alone. One of the nurses had told him skin to skin contact was good, and his shirt was dirty anyway, so he stripped it off. 

The weight of Hanna on his chest, her tiny body warm, was like nothing he’d ever felt. He sank down in the chair, finally relaxing. He stared at her face, her cheeks chubby and round. This was family, he decided. This was what he’d been missing. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he managed to fish it out. He’d missed a game, he realized belatedly. He had countless missed phone calls and texts, but Alex was the most recent one. 

Nicky looked at Hanna. “You want to meet Ovi?” He asked her. She wrinkled her face and moved in her sleep, pacifier almost slipping from her mouth. “He’s going to spoil you.” He teased. 

He texted Alex the address. 

He sent Mike a picture of Hanna, laughing when he video-called him immediately. “Oh my god, she’s adorable.” He cooed. “I saw that you didn’t play, I wondered...wow. That’s great. Congrats, man.”

“Thanks.” 

“She’s perfect. I can’t wait to meet her.” Mike said. “What’s her name?”

“Hanna Catrin.” 

“That sounds nice. I like that. She’s so cute. Take lots of pictures, ok?”

“Yeah. I will.” Nicky promised. 

He texted his parents and then he put his phone aside, waiting for Alex to call. He lost himself staring at Hanna, feeding her a bit from her bottle when she fussed at him. 

Afterwards, he stood to rock her to sleep again, pacing the room. She fell asleep quickly, tucked in against his chest. Enthralled, he almost didn’t notice the door open. 

“Nicky…”

Alex was wide-eyed. Nicky briefly wondered what he’d been thinking when he’d arrived at the hospital. He should’ve told him sooner, but this worked too. 

“Meet Hanna.”


End file.
